


He’s got it made with me

by Dummy_Writer



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Fix-It, Kingsman: The Golden Circle Spoilers, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 18:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12238629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dummy_Writer/pseuds/Dummy_Writer
Summary: In which Tilde is Eggsy’s housemate not his girlfriend.





	He’s got it made with me

 

Tilde’s a good housemate to have.

 

She’s also a Princess but then that is the reason why she’s Eggsy’s housemate after all. In the aftermath of V-Day her parents hadn’t wanted her out of their sight, let alone out of their sight in another country without bodyguards. With the Prime Minister’s head blown off along with most of the higher ups in politics worldwide, the monarchy of Sweden had temporarily stepped in, much to the violent concern of extremist republicans who feared this change in leadership to become permanent.

 

But Tilde wasn’t doing so well with being watched. While her parents had been kept together in their cell, she had been alone. Being watched over, being restricted for her safety, being alone save for her bodyguards, it reminded her too much of being Valentine’s prisoner for all those months.

 

So they compromised, Tilde would stay with Eggsy. Eggsy, who they thought was a tailor but one who had gone through Basic training for the marines, and who had successfully taken on a small contingent of the Swedish military force to show that Tilde was fine with him. They weren’t _happy_ but they were satisfied especially when they learnt the security system Eggsy employed was the ‘Excalibur’ one.

 

(Merlin said he owed him one since the other knights dawdled a good few months before voting to have Eggsy instated as an agent despite failing the dog test.

And Eggsy never told her about the armed folk on rooftops who watched her wherever she went. Tilde weren’t an idiot after all, she knew there was somebody inevitably watching her, it was the illusion of privacy that she was after.)

 

But yeah, Tilde is a good housemate. She doesn’t turn her nose up at JB or his estate friends. When he wakes up from nightmares gasping and stumbles to the house next door, Harry’s empty house, to stare at the stuffed dog over the loo, she doesn’t probe much. When he comes back with split lips and bruised ribs she doesn’t fuss over him.

 

She does, however, out drink him and all his friends. Teaches him to curse in all the many languages she knows. Gets Daisy a tiara for her birthday ‘from one princess to another’. Fist bumps him when he comes back in the morning after an evening out on town with hickeys over his face and a limp from too much fun. Gets very curious and likes to ask him how it feels to compare how different bumming feels for a guy.

 

They’re friends, orbiting in and out of each other’s lives, trying to find some equilibrium in life after V-Day. Where Eggsy’s losses are limited to Harry, Tilde has lost more friends than that, some to the exploding heads that came from being in Valentine’s pocket, some from the violence that stemmed from his SIM cards.

 

But everyone seems to be under the misconception that they’re more than that.

 

Which is where things get odd.

 

* * *

 

Eggsy debates it in his mind. On the one hand, he was supposed to meet Tilde’s parents for dinner tomorrow and she was hoping to give him some pointers about dealing with royalty at a formal dinner and he can shower and change into sweats.

 

On the other hand, debriefing means Merlin would replay the footage of Charlie getting his arm blown off and that’s always fun to watch.

 

The decision is easy enough, especially when Merlin points out that the only quick exit is down the sewers. The car is off to the garage for repairs so Eggsy rips the robot arm (he can almost hear Merlin sigh and correct him, ‘ _Bionic_ arm not robotic’ and roll his eyes) off from where it’s stuck in the roof and heads to Merlin’s office.

 

“Gordon’s dead,” Eggsy says of the trusty Kingsman cab driver and settles the robot arm down on Merlin’s desk. “Nicked that off Charlie but it put up a solid fight.”

 

Merlin shakes his head and puts his pad down. “Give me your hand.”

 

Perplexed, Eggsy puts his right hand into Merlin’s outstretched one, trying to remember everything he can about senility in the late forties. He doesn’t really know that much and when Merlin swats his hand he decides to read up on it.

 

“Not that hand.”

 

“Oh, ” Eggsy puts his left hand up and Merlin affects a shocked face.

 

“What’s this? A watch that can hack things?! How extraordinary!” And presses the button to get it going. The arm that had been doing little more than sparking every few seconds, suddenly gets onto its fingers and makes a run for it. Instinct is the only thing that has Eggsy hold on to it and punch t a couple of times because his mind cannot really process the fact that a fucking robotic arm was walking on its own when it had been attached to Charlie’s socket just a few minutes ago.

 

“That’s just freaky!” Eggsy says as he smashes the wriggling thing into the ground to keep it still even as it tries to wrap itself around him and gouge his eyes out. “What the fuck?!”

 

Meanwhile, Merlin just sits in his chair, taking the pad up again and typing things into it. ‘He better be doing something about the arm’ Eggsy thinks as the arm— Charlie Jr, as Eggsy thinks of it—strangles Eggsy with its cold metallic grip. Eggsy is seeing black spots at the edge of his vision by the time it wheezes with a screechy sound and goes lax.

 

“What the fuck was that?” Eggsy croaks out, gently massaging his aching throat and wondering if a cravat would cover up the bruises that were sure to form. Couldn’t have the King and Queen of Sweden asking too many questions.

 

“ _That_ was an arm pre-programmed to hack into the Kingsman database and find out details about all the active agents and the headquarters before...hmm, sending missiles to them.” Merlin pushes his glasses up his nose. “Oh no, that’s not allowed.”

 

Eggsy shifts from one foot to the other as a silence envelops them broken only by the tapping of Merlin’s fingers. A minutes passes, then ten and by the time half an hour has passed Eggsy is juggling his lighter/hand grenade, his poison pen and his glasses. It is when he starts humming the circus theme song that the tapping stops and Merlin swivels around in his chair to look at Eggsy blankly.

 

“Sorry, bruv.” Eggsy says and puts it all away.

 

“If you have nothing to do go along with the retrieval team, see what you can find out about the idiots who chased you all over the city.”

 

* * *

 

On the grass, bodies are strewn about in various states of damage. A team of investigators work the green, trying to identify which limb belonged to which body. One of the bodies is on its back with the shirt blown off and the glint coming off it as an investigator’s torchlight hits it gets Eggsy’s attention and he walks over to it.    

 

Eggsy whistles long and low when he sees the yellow circle. The closest member of the cleanup team looks at him with a question in his eyes and Eggsy pops a squat to take a closer look at the body.

 

“Tha’ real gold?” He asks.

 

“Looks like it, 24 carat too.” The boffin confirms. “All of them appear to have it injected into the dermis in this pattern.”

 

“Fuck me!”

 

There was enough gold on the corpses to buy a house in Harry’s neighbourhood and decorate it to the most expensive whims. The investigators hem and haw over the corpses, collecting samples for the lab while Eggsy profiles them the best he can. The crew seem varied, there’s tattoos indicating all sorts of people from all over the world, a couple Eggsy even recognises from an undercover mission in Laos, one even seems to be an accountant wearing a pocket protector of all things. His is the body most in piece albeit with a part of the car’s roll cage running through the ribs and so Eggsy focuses on him, taking a picture for Merlin to put through the system.

 

The file comes up fairly quickly, it turns out the man really was an accountant, the accountant to Richard Hesketh, in fact who had disappeared in the aftermath of V-day when his employer’s head was blown up, arrested six months later in Delhi for helping a trafficking ring launder money. After that his trail went dark but considering he wasn’t rotting in jail as the file said he should be, he must have been travelling the world.

 

A tinge of blue catches Eggsy’s eyes and he whistles for one of the boffins to hand over a glove and pulls up the man’s sleeve. A deep blue colour seems to be tinting his skin, so precise that for a moment Eggsy thinks it might be a tattoo. It seems to originate from his elbow where Eggsy can see the scarring from several attempts at finding the vein when high. Heroin, he thinks and steps back as the team swarm that particualr body once noting its oddness.

 

His phone beeps and Eggsy sees its a message from Rox.

 

‘You’re late.’

 

 ‘wrk, chrlie ttkm’

 

‘Charlie from Starbucks?’

 

‘chrlie hskth’

 

‘WTF, didn’t you blow up his head?’

 

‘ddnt stick, ttyl’

 

Eggsy sticks around until the bodies and their parts are at least somewhat accounted for, debriefs Merlin and sets off for home. He finds the party has begun without him as Roxy, Tilde, Ryan, Jamal and Brandon all sit gathered around the TV with shot glasses and popcorn at the ready where Susie Dent is explaining the origin of an eight letter word a contestant has scored.

 

“Excellent, you’re finally here!” Tilde says, brightening immediately before stumbling to the kitchen and coming back with the bottle of the Swedish liquor that has Ryan putting away the drugs and Brandon’s eyes widening immensely and Jamal stuffing a ton of popcorn down his mouth.

 

Roxy throws her hands up into the air in gratitude, “I’d like to pissed this century, please.” She says and throws back the shot glass Tilde filled up in a second.

 

The four boys share a look, Jamal managing to say without any words that the women in Eggsy’s life are beautiful, mad goddesses, and mentally prepare for a night they will most definitely forget.

 

“Come on, wusses.” Tilde taunts.

 

In the last few months of cohabitating with Tilde, Eggsy has grown very familiar with the taste of what he considers to be the only true physical manifestation of Death and os he braces himself.

 

“Ready?” Brandon asks and with a shared nod they raise the glasses and down the contents.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> For those who are wondering ttkm means Tried To Kill Me. I imagine Roxy and Eggsy have conversations that use that phrase a lot. But this story tries to fix the things I found hard to believe about the movie, like:
> 
> a)No bodyguards for a Swedish princess as she shacks up with her tailor boyfriend in another country a year or so after a megalomaniac kidnapped her,
> 
> b)The driver of the cab died, Kingsman personnel died and yet Eggsy was allowed to merrily fuck off without a report on that,
> 
> c)What the fuck was so important about that dinner anyway?
> 
> There will be more


End file.
